Being completely honest, my number one goal for this blog was to provide people with insight and acknowledgment of the feeling, the horror, and the tremendous terror that floods the voids of a family when someone is sick. And I don’t know if I can do that. I’m a great writer, but that’s not what I mean. I don’t think it’s even possible to descriptively catalogue the moments, the tears, the literal, heart-wrenching pain within your chest, and most of all the fucking rollercoaster of emotions.
I realized this last night after a long, exhausting, probably an “I over-did-it day,” and I am 100% confident that my Xanax dose had completely worn off. I so desperately want people to understand the constant “I don’t want to die,” immediate tear-jerking thought, but certainly not ever experience it. And that is the precise concept I’m unsure can be put into a blog, written on paper, put in a song, or even explained unless actually felt. And that makes me sad. I guess that’s why people often respond with, “I cannot even imagine,” because they literally can’t. And there isn’t a movie, book, song, or blog that’s going to provide that insight.
I haven’t even been given the diagnosis of cancer and I’m struggling still so much. Maybe that’s why, the looming unknown. The Xanax prescription certainly numbs the persistence of the mental instability, but doesn’t erase the waves of instantaneous, nauseating, “why me?” thoughts. These almost immediately produce a water flood of tears vast enough to fill a stream.
And if I’m not diagnosed with cancer, I can promise every survivor and every person with an illness, I will never forget the feeling of what it’s like to be told there’s something seriously wrong with you. That is most certainly life-changing and I want to be an advocate for cures no matter what.
I promise, I’m not crazy (or a druggie LOL), I just find it fascinating the way the human brain processes trauma. The means of coping are wide and deep, and I will try my best to make the next post not so sad. My family usually does something on a daily basis that either invokes anger or laughter, either way, a great story is sure to be born.
Regardless of my “negative conclusion” in regard to the shallow conception and human mental capacity of trauma, I hope the continuance of my journey through blog posts comforts others who may be going through and feeling the same things. ❤️
Glück: Define Your Happiness 
You are right, unless you personally experience it, you will never know the feeling. But I can tell you that if you are the partner or parent, you go through it with them and have some of the same emotions that are gut wrenching and that break you down to levels you are not familiar with. You just have to think positive and take one day at a time.
Yes, I completely agree. I feel as though they go through the same or very similar emotional trauma as the person with the illness. I see it in my mom, my dad, and my husband daily, and it breaks my heart. Thanks for reading and for your encouragement and thoughtful comments. ❤️
It’s hard I know. I just had a laparscopy myself and my organs were stuck together. It’s crazy .. when they cut them apart it lessened some of my pain. I’m struggling with the autoimmune diease they diagnosed me with . I think I may have MS is heart shattering. My whole world has changed . I’m in constant pain. I’m very happy you are getting better . I love you honey and don’t over do your recovery . Take it easy and rest . 💕